This single word has changed the lives of millions, so may it do yours

As it has done to Warren Buffett and generations after generations of Stanford graduates, so may it change you. Well, look, you spent tons of hours researching a piece, and then when you submitted it for publication, the feedback from the reviewers or publishers goes like this, “This is a good piece, but it is full of demerits and it is not only defective in argument but deploringly it fails to pit its theory against the existing theories in literature.” Then, in another instance, in your school years, you worked very hard for the whole year and you made huge progress in maths, but despite your efforts, your geography still fell behind. You gingerly told your parents about the results, and they said, “You certainly did a good job improving your grade in maths. But, there is no sign of any improvement in your geography and you must try harder next year and do better in that!”

In neither of the above instances would I be happy; indeed, in my whole life, none of my achievements arise from those sort of comments. It is not that I cannot accept criticism but that our human nature inclines us to accept criticism of a different sort and it is that sort of criticism that inspires us to make improvement and strive higher and better.

Now, let us come back to the first instance. This time, the feedback on the article is like this: “This is a good piece and certainly you have done extensive research and do a good job in arguing your points and building up to your conclusion. And, this piece would, in my humble view, benefit from more depth in reviewing some of the existing theories and it may also strengthen many of its arguments by pitting against those theories.” As for the second instance, the parents say this: “Well-done! You have worked so hard this year and we never doubt that with that hard work and your intelligence, you will make great progress in your studies. Look, you have improved by 30% on your maths, and that is surely amazing! And, surely, you will make improvement in Geography next year and we trust none of your further hard work will be wasted in making that happen!”

This time, I would be very much incentivised to work harder to meet the expectations of the reviewer or the parents. Yes, they do criticise and they so phrase their criticism as if they were encouragement. And the magic lies in the word, “AND”. They do not use the word “BUT”, which is the most horrible word ever invented. Many people are traumatised on hearing the word “BUT” so much so that you would see them filled up with resentment; turning over in their mind is such sort of protest, “who do you think you are, criticising my work? I have thoroughly discussed those theories and spent several pages addressing them to bear out the advantage of my theory and the mischief that my theory aims to address. I go to another place for publication!” “S***t, I have worked so hard this year not only on maths but also on geography. How can you say I failed to work hard, and I did poorly? I do not think I will work as hard next year, and let’s see!”

You see, the horror incited by the word “BUT” does no one any good; no one benefits and the addressee certainly feels let down. In the real world, such a word as “but” is often abused to such a degree that human relationship is strained and productivity hindered. If you wonder why, here is the reason.

Every human being is in itself a unique and beautiful individual who regards itself as the most important being in the whole world. That’s rightly so and should be like that. In this world, there is no second person who is exactly like you and your total individuality such as your preferences, your looks, your voice and your intelligence makes you unique, makes you outstanding, and indeed makes you who you are. Any infraction and any encroachment on that dignity undermines self respect and importance. In truth, precisely because every human being is human, he or she feels justified that they are entitled to unqualified dignity and respect. The Bible already admonishes, “Judge not as you too will be judged!” As such, to launch any attack, condemnation, criticism, or blame on that personality contravenes and antagonises the very construct of that human being. When the word “but” is used, any forgoing points are often immediately forgotten, and the whole person is alarmed to defend himself; as a result, what is taken in is the criticism itself, and the person’s whole energy is summoned to defend himself. In contrast, when the word “and” is used, what follows is perceived to be a continuance of the forgoing praise. The addressee feels the empathy from the speaker and, as propelled by the innate urge for perfection and backed up by the human intelligence, strives to emulate what has been achieved by taking on the critical points.

Thus, in conclusion, remember this, you are the most important person on the earth, so are all the other people; hence, use “AND” instead of “BUT” to explicitly let others feel your empathy and implicitly convey to others that you are also human and are of course not perfect, regardless of whatsoever position or title you are fleeting or happen to hold.